Forgiving When It's Hard

It was nearly three years ago when I last talked to a particular loved one in question.

We didn't leave the situation in good terms. In fact, we left the situation (and our relationship) in down right bad terms. Nothing was being accomplished but name calling, back and forth comments and a whole lot of anger lashed out towards one another. It simply wasn't going anywhere.

When I spoke out, I some what expected this result. My family member in question spent all my youth talking down to others, responding in ignorance and hatred. They were racist, sexist, homophobic. You pick your poison, they spewed it. I don't say that to gossip about them (like they have about me) but simply to tell it how it was.

I came of age and left my parents house. At that moment, I gained the opportunity to speak for myself and to stand up to this person. So I did--and I certainly don't regret it. I watched as my mother put on weight and this family member trashed her, calling her fat in the most vicious of terms. Today I see my mother desperately trying to lose weight, as if she needs to. My mother is a beautiful person and no amount of weight she were to drop would change that. Sure she has her flaws and she's not perfect, sometimes I struggle to get a long with her.

But she's my mother and I see things in her that I'm not sure she sees in herself. Most of the times we fight it's discouragement on my part that our relationship isn't going the way I hoped and fear we'd end up as toxic as this relative in our relationship. And I certainly don't ever want that for me or my mother--or any of my family.

I'm not perfect either. Never have been, never will be. I've made plenty of mistakes, as many could point out. In this very situation, I responded to my hate-filled relative with hate as well. In plain terms, I was hypocritical at times. I man up and own it. I won't point fingers, I won't pretend otherwise. Wouldn't change the facts of the matter if I did.

But what I am proud of is standing up for myself. Standing up for my mother, who was trashed and thrown under the bus by him and others in her family. And I'm proud of standing up against hatred (sexism, homophobia, racism, etc.) to say, "you can't say that about people."

People have identity, meaning, value and worth. They have families and friends, hopes and dreams. They deserve the respect to pursue happiness in their own lives, just like everyone else. No one is inferior based on their gender, sexual preference or race. We're all equal, none less or greater than another. If we'd stop to think about that, maybe we'd live differently.

We'd show more compassion, empathy, mercy, grace and love. We'd be more willing to help the needy, comfort the hurting, and build up others around us.

It's hard to forgive others when they hurt you. When they hurt others you love and care about. But it's necessary. You can't continue to respond to their harsh words with more harsh words. You can't let them damage your soul anymore, as you'll only respond trying to damage theirs right back.

The only choice you have is:
1. Forgive them
2. Forgive yourself
3. Seek forgiveness from God
4. Respond to others with love, empathy, compassion, mercy and grace.
5. Learn what hatred, fear and anger can do. And remember that lesson to always put yourself in other peoples shoes.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32