Seasons of Doubt

If we're honest, we doubt.

We doubt our own abilities. We doubt our circumstances will improve. We doubt we'll be able to accomplish something we grasp for. And we doubt our own faith.

I just overcame a season of doubt.

Where I questioned myself and everything I thought I knew. Was this really reality? Or was my mind playing tricks on me?

Death Cab For Cutie happens to be one of my favorite bands. And when they released their new album, one song stuck out to me. It starts out slow and builds till the chilling end, building momentum as the song grows and grows. I love the song. I'm intimidated by the song. It scares me and challenges me.

Inside of it's simplicity is so much complexity. Questions of doubt about the very faith that holds my life together.

I'm not intimidated by the likes of Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins. They're as hypocritical as fundamentalist atheists as some of the fundamentalist "Christians." I don't blink an eye to documentaries like Bill Mahers, where he tries to turn my faith into a big joke. I don't even care that I have family members that are atheists and other faiths that would challenge my belief system. Obviously I care for them and wish for peace in their own hearts but I don't mind if they make the choice to have faith that challenges mine.

It's not in any of those circumstances that I feel uncomfortable or uncertain. It's in a song--this song. The build towards the end of the 4:31 song drives out questions in my heart I didn't realize I had. The emotions of the whole thing make me question everything I thought I knew. Questions I'm not sure books like Lee Strobel's "Case for Christ" or "Case for Faith" could ever answer--I know because I've read them.

Maybe I won't know the answers to those questions this side of eternity. 

I've learned to be okay with that.

I have my doubts. And I most certainly have my seasons of doubts.

And while I don't blindly accept my belief system because it's popular or convenient, I give those things up to the God of my faith--trusting that I'll get answers inside of his time frame.

In the age of "prove it right here, right now" I'm putting my faith into something I can't see but I surely can feel. Am I stupid? Maybe some would think so. Misguided? That might be your opinion.

Jesus said in John 8:32 that we will know the truth, "and the truth will set you free."

"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." - C.S. Lewis

Despite the doubts, the questions, the tension--the quest for truth always leads back to one place. And that's where I'll continue to find my comfort. 

AFA: Cigarettes just as danger as homosexuality. Really?

(Based on Bryan Fischers article:  http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/fischer/101209)

I stumbled upon Bryan Fischers column when I was reading some statistics on a website. From first glance, it seems like just another anti-gay opinion piece from another conservative talk show host. But the suggestion that Mr. Fischer makes is quite serious. In fact, it's absolutely serious. He uses the surgeon general's report on one cigarette possibly being deadly to suggest one act of homosexual sex possibly being deadly.

His case? If you have gay sex, you could get HIV--even if you only do it once. In case Bryan doesn't realize it, (and I'm sure he does) not everyone who engages in homosexual "conduct" is HIV-positive. Actually quite the opposite. Most of those engaging in homosexuality do NOT have HIV. To suggest they do is misleading and dangerous. It's a horrible stereotype that has long plagued gay individuals.

I didn't know of a single HIV-positive gay person until I was 22 years old. For those of us who knew him, it was sobering to think about. For Bryan Fischer's personal knowledge, this person I knew with HIV wasn't exactly going on his first exposure to gay sex. He was, shall we say, kind of a whore. Not that that makes it any less sad or deadly. The fact still remains that comparing the dangers of cigarettes to  gay sex is kind of a stretch. No, scratch that. It's not kind of a stretch--it's a stretch and then some.

Does Bryan not realize that most gay people, like straight people, use condoms? Did Bryan consider the fact that straight people could easily get HIV if they have unprotected sex? I'm assuming he's going with the stereotype that gay people have higher rates of HIV/AIDS. For some black individuals, that stereotype is in place as well. Is he going to claim black people shouldn't engage in sex? Perhaps Bryan didn't think about the fact that many gay people don't even have sex. Seriously....I've known several of them. Some for religious purposes, others for tradition reasons.

He goes onto say:

We currently have between two and four percent of the population engaging in gay sex. How about we ask the surgeon general to launch a crusade to reduce the gay sex rate from four percent to one percent by 2020? 

Source: http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/fischer/101209 

I don't know what I'm more troubled by. The fact that this misguided conservative thinks gay sex is comparable to smoking or the fact he used the word 'crusade' in asking the surgeon general to help eliminate gay sex. The fact remains...if misused, sex is like anything else. It becomes dangerous. Gay or straight.

If Bryan Fischer wants to go on a "crusade" against sex, why not teen sex? Look at these stats:

• In 2009, 46% of high school students had sexual intercourse and 13.8% had four or more sex partners during their life.  Prior to the sexual activity, 21.6% drank alcohol or used drugs.  Only 38.9% used a condom.
  CDC
• In 2009, 34% of currently sexually active high school students did not use a condom during their last sexual intercourse.
  CDC
• In 2006, an estimated 5,259 young people (ages 13-24) were diagnosed with HIV/AIDS.
  CDC
• Each year, approximately 19 million new STD infections occur, and almost half of them are among youth ages 15-24. 

•  Source: http://www.sadd.org/stats.htm 

Unwanted pregnancies, abortions, STD's, porn, etc. Teenagers are being exposed to a lot of stuff at earlier and earlier ages. I would think if Bryan wanted to go after anything, it would be educating our kids about the dangers of misusing sex. Whether one believes in homosexuality or not is irrelevant. To lie, mislead and make inaccurate statements about gay people isn't going to gain his friends at the American Family Association any ground.

I remember a year or so ago, I had a great debate with a Christian rapper from New York about homosexuality. He said it was a sin and wrong, I said it wasn't. One of the things we battled over was the dangers of homosexual sex. It was a respectful debate and I thoroughly enjoyed it. My point is at the end of the debate, he offered to pray for me. He didn't say anything misleading or false. His intentions were genuine and I appreciated that. Even if I didn't agree with him, I respected his position.

How can you respect what Bryan Fischer claims?

Comparing the possibility of getting lung cancer from one cigarette and the possibility of HIV with one session of gay sex doesn't really cut it. It's insulting. If Bryan wants a debate on homosexuality, I know there are plenty of people waiting to debate him. But beginning with falsehoods and dangerous assertions isn't really the best approach.

In closing, I had a grand father who died of lung cancer. He was a smoker and he died a very slow, painful death. While the surgeon general suggested it's a possibility to die from one cigarette, that doesn't mean it's a strong personality. But if you misuse them your chances increase. The same thing could be said about sex. You misuse it, you pay the price. Or food. How many Americans have diabetes? Obesity?

My hope going forward is that people stop these silly arguments that aren't worth the paper they're written on. If you want an honest conversation, let's have it. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. If you're wrong, you're wrong. One of us WILL be wrong, the other WILL be right. But let's keep it honest.

Wheres my map?

I don't like taking directions from people.

Sometimes I let criticism get under my skin or I won't accept a rebuke. I guess to a degree, that's human nature. We don't like to hear what we're doing wrong and even some of the best advice we'll ignore. But I'm beginning to understand that it's necessary to listen to others, even when it might be uncomfortable for you.

I really don't know it all. I really do make mistakes. And if someone else can help, let them. Recently, I was given some advice I didn't want to hear. At first, I simply ignored it. But after a while I realized it was sound advice and the person was giving me wise counsel, so I finally accepted what they were saying.

Guess what? They were right, I was wrong.

If I would of listened to my gut, I would have egg on my face. I'd look like a major idiot and I'd try to quickly sweep it under the rug and hope no body noticed. Instead they slapped some sense into me, showed me what the right way was and I was put in my place. It kind of sucked, it was very uncomfortable for me.

But I'd rather have honest friends and wise counsel than going with my gut all the time (even when I'm wrong) and people around me who are nothing but yes-men who tell me what I want to hear.

I can take criticism. I can accept a rebuke. I'll listen to advice. And I'll certainly accept when I'm wrong. Does that mean I'm perfect at it? Fair from it.

But I'll continue to follow my map for my life and if I take a wrong turn, I hope some body is there to guide me in the right direction.

"The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice." - Proverbs 12:15

Favorites

I think we all have our favorite stuff.

Today our cable and internet went out. It kind of felt like I was living in 1939, with nothing really to do. So I thought a lot about my favorite stuff. And came up with these lists:

Favorite Movies-
5. Batman Returns
4. Bobby
3. The Passion of the Christ
2. O Brother Where Art Thou
1. Requiem for a Dream

Favorite Songs-
5. Brothers on a Hotel Bed- Death Cab for Cutie
4. Aftermath- Hillsong United
3. The Man Comes Around- Johnny Cash
2. All The Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands- Sufjan Stevens
1. Bridge Over Troubled Waters- Simon and Garfunkel

Favorite Quotes-
5. "If you haven't found something worth dying for, you aren't fit to be living." - Martin Luther King Jr.
4. "Few men are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a world which yields most painfully to change." - Robert F. Kennedy
3. “It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.” - Robert F. Kennedy 
2. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” - Reinhold Niebuhr
1. "Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." - Aeschylus 

Favorite People-
5. Will Ferrell
4. Johnny Cash
3. C.S. Lewis
2. Robert F. Kennedy
1. Jesus Christ

Favorite Foods-
5. Chicken fried steak
4. Fried okra (I'm like Paula Deen, fry it and I'll eat it)
3. Lasagna
2. Anything fast food (Just ask Joel)
1. Cashew chicken

Favorite Memories-
5. Summers with my grandparents
4. Graduating high school
3. Moving out
2. Baptism
1. Entering college

Favorite Things-
5. Coca-Cola
4. Bible my grandmother gave me at 13
3. Facebook
2. Macbook
1. My bed

Favorite Qualities of Myself-
5. Passionate
4. Caring
3. Sense of humor
2. Love to learn

1. Love helping people

23-years-young

The title may not make sense.

But tomorrow is my birthday and I don't really like when people say "__-years-old" when talking about peoples ages. Not a big fan of the word 'old' in general. You should of seen me when I turned 21 and I thought it was the end of my world. Joel likes to laugh at the fact that at 22, I'm already talking about the fact in a few years I'll be 30. 

Usually I dread birthdays. I don't like getting older. I would miss the good old days when I was a kid who watched cartoons on television, played games outside with my brothers and sister and whose  only worry in the world was whether mom would give me a dollar for a soda at school. Truthfully, I always dreaded getting older because I always hated taking risks and doing things to further my life.

I let my insecurities get in the way of growth and so every year on my birthday, I'd look back at the previous year and think of the time I wasted. While I'm most certainly going to reflect this year (what I did right, what I did wrong), I'm going to focus less on the lack of growth this year (because I felt I did grow) and focus more on what I can do this year.

This year has been very good to me. Evidence?

1. I finally entered into college. I did that last fall, right after my last birthday. 

2. Gained some new friends, lost some old friends. Basically I made the big decision that some people weren't really my friends, despite what they told me. They were really bringing me down and making it harder for me to grow personally. In addition, I added some awesome people. Joel increasingly became my best friend and I'm thankful for that.

3. I turned some bad situations into good situations. My mother and I got into a fight that would cost us three months apart from one another. In that time, I realized that loved ones were worth more than silly fights. I also forgave a family member despite the fact they continue to trash me and my loved ones, which lifted a heavy burden and helped me to move on from the situation while still loving them.

4. Worked on my future. College was definitely a part of that. But I spent many months thinking about my future and where I wanted to be in 5-years, 10-years, and so on. I didn't really plan much for the future in the past because I didn't really believe I could follow through with anything. Things change....

5. I became a Christian. Found a church, got baptized, began reading through the Bible daily, and I can say I finally found a taste of the relationship with God that my grandparents had before their death--something I longed for.

Today, I'm 22-years-young.

Tomorrow I'll be 23-years-old. Yes, I said it the right way this time. I'll be another year older and this year will surely be filled with my share of up's and down's. But I look forward to this year and I don't dread it at all. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Us vs. Them Pt. Two

"It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God." - Acts 15:19

Before I was a Christian, I was convinced of one thing. That I never really had a problem with God. My problem was mainly with Christians and I didn't think I could ever over come that. So I resisted God and church just wasn't for me. When I was in my late teens, I was some what of an aggressive atheist. It wasn't because I thought God didn't exist. It's because I didn't want him to exist.

If he existed, I thought the Christians were right. And if they were right, the world was a bad place. For better or worse, that's just what I believed. And I believed that because I felt like Christians were judgmental, arrogant, prideful, self-righteous, bigoted, ignorant, and very fake. To make things worse, I felt like they turned their religion into a castle. And that castle didn't have a bridge. If you wanted inside, you had to say all the right things and do all the right things to get in.

I remember when I was 21 years old and my grand parents had died a few months before. They were devout Christians and my only church experiences were with them. So after their deaths, I had many questions about God and the Bible. So I was invited to a church by a friend. I was so excited to go but as soon as I went there, I felt more uncomfortable than ever. It's like everything I felt about churches and Christianity was confirmed and suddenly the passion God was trying to give me was gone.

Fast forward to 2011, I've found God in my life and that passion I was searching for. I'm so thankful for that. It's been an awesome experience for me. The other day Joel wrote me a note before work that just said he was proud of my relationship with God. That meant a lot coming from someone like Joel, whose opinion I cherish. One of the benefits of becoming a Christian is joining a church that doesn't feel fake or forced. It doesn't feel us vs. them. They don't turn the pulpit or their influence into an opportunity to air their personal feelings, political views or opinions. One day recently, I listened to a pod cast of a pastor complaining about the fact that their ministry work wasn't appreciated or what they expected. They said "I'm not bitter" at least three or four times in the pod cast and each time it felt quite the opposite--they were bitter.

I'm not a great Christian or a great person. But I'm not going to sit here and pretend I am. I'm not going to build myself up, while tearing others down. I'm not going to sit on my throne and be holier than thou at the expense of others. Because I know I'm not better or holier.

As God as my witness, I don't want to make my life about "us vs. them". I don't want to pretend I love people or act phony. I want to be genuine and loving--always. I want to treat everyone with that same respect, whether they're Christian or not. Whether I agree with them or not. Just, please, don't let it be fake. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm frustrated by the Christians who kept me away for so long and encouraged by the Christians who are getting the picture that they're too blame for the fact that many people are feeling pushed away and/or running away from God and church as fast as they can.

Stop the pride. Stop the self-righteous attitudes. Stop acting holier than thou. Stop acting like your sin is less than any others. Stop using your influence for all the wrong reasons. And stop pushing people away who need God desperately, like I did. 

Evolves from North Point Church on Vimeo.

- Video from North Point Church, northpointchurch.tv

Forgiving When It's Hard

It was nearly three years ago when I last talked to a particular loved one in question.

We didn't leave the situation in good terms. In fact, we left the situation (and our relationship) in down right bad terms. Nothing was being accomplished but name calling, back and forth comments and a whole lot of anger lashed out towards one another. It simply wasn't going anywhere.

When I spoke out, I some what expected this result. My family member in question spent all my youth talking down to others, responding in ignorance and hatred. They were racist, sexist, homophobic. You pick your poison, they spewed it. I don't say that to gossip about them (like they have about me) but simply to tell it how it was.

I came of age and left my parents house. At that moment, I gained the opportunity to speak for myself and to stand up to this person. So I did--and I certainly don't regret it. I watched as my mother put on weight and this family member trashed her, calling her fat in the most vicious of terms. Today I see my mother desperately trying to lose weight, as if she needs to. My mother is a beautiful person and no amount of weight she were to drop would change that. Sure she has her flaws and she's not perfect, sometimes I struggle to get a long with her.

But she's my mother and I see things in her that I'm not sure she sees in herself. Most of the times we fight it's discouragement on my part that our relationship isn't going the way I hoped and fear we'd end up as toxic as this relative in our relationship. And I certainly don't ever want that for me or my mother--or any of my family.

I'm not perfect either. Never have been, never will be. I've made plenty of mistakes, as many could point out. In this very situation, I responded to my hate-filled relative with hate as well. In plain terms, I was hypocritical at times. I man up and own it. I won't point fingers, I won't pretend otherwise. Wouldn't change the facts of the matter if I did.

But what I am proud of is standing up for myself. Standing up for my mother, who was trashed and thrown under the bus by him and others in her family. And I'm proud of standing up against hatred (sexism, homophobia, racism, etc.) to say, "you can't say that about people."

People have identity, meaning, value and worth. They have families and friends, hopes and dreams. They deserve the respect to pursue happiness in their own lives, just like everyone else. No one is inferior based on their gender, sexual preference or race. We're all equal, none less or greater than another. If we'd stop to think about that, maybe we'd live differently.

We'd show more compassion, empathy, mercy, grace and love. We'd be more willing to help the needy, comfort the hurting, and build up others around us.

It's hard to forgive others when they hurt you. When they hurt others you love and care about. But it's necessary. You can't continue to respond to their harsh words with more harsh words. You can't let them damage your soul anymore, as you'll only respond trying to damage theirs right back.

The only choice you have is:
1. Forgive them
2. Forgive yourself
3. Seek forgiveness from God
4. Respond to others with love, empathy, compassion, mercy and grace.
5. Learn what hatred, fear and anger can do. And remember that lesson to always put yourself in other peoples shoes.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32